Soon, I will be moving far, far away to go back to school for my Masters’.

Degree: MA in Counseling - Marriage and Family Therapy, to be exact.

Location: For me to know, and you to find out. A.K.A. it’s a secret, for now. If you’re one of the VERY select few who know…SHUT UP. (Just kidding. But not really.)

That is all.

So, it’s one of those days where there’s a bunch of different thoughts floating around my head and topics I want to wrap up, but none of them are long enough to turn into an entire blog post. So…once again…bullet points!

• I swapped chairs with Miss Matches (a.k.a. Co-Worker #2) this morning. And, I forgot to do it when I first got to work, so I ended up doing it in front of 2 of my co-workers. They said, “Uh, what are you doing?” I said, “Swapping my squeaky chair with the person that is only here 2 days a week.” They laughed. And then my male co-worker said, “And why don’t you just use some WD-40??” Thanks, I never thought of that!!!…..
• I had posted a while back that I was planning on taking the GRE’s as a prerequisite for getting into grad school. However, the school I’ve decided to go to presents potential students with the option of taking either the GRE’s or the MAT’s (Miller Analogies Test). Since yours truly isn’t exactly a whiz at math or science, I’ve decided upon the MAT’s. And, in the spirit of things, here’s a test question for you (just so you can get a small taste of what I have to study my brains out for…):

Pike : Peak :: Chisolm : (a. path, b. trail, c. mountain, d. city)

• NO MORE CRAZY/LOUD/FLAKY LANDLORDS!!! That is all on that.
• New shiny header image. I made it. Kev installed it. Thank you, Kev!

OK, now that business is taken care of, I need an opinion from all you faithful readers. Yep, all 5 of you.

I’m feeling like it’s time to do another “Why I Could Never Be Friends With ______” post.

Here are my choices, currently, in the spirit of the upcoming elections:

Why I Could Never Be Friends With Barack Obama
Why I Could Never Be Friends With Joe Biden
Why I Could Never Be Friends With Nancy Pelosi

…or last, but not least,

Why I Could Never Be Friends With Alan Colmes

Ready…set…VOTE!!!

Posted under Humor, Life, Politics, Work

Co-Worker #1 has stolen my desk chair. And denied it.

Last week, my desk chair did not squeak. “Squawk” would actually be a better term. Last week, when I sat down in said chair, no backbone-shivering, tooth-grinding noise emitted from its underside. Last week, when I swiveled my chair to the left or right, I was merely met with the sound of silence - now, it sounds like a Canada Goose undergoing electrotherapy, and it makes me want to stab my eardrums out with my letter opener.

Last week…Co-Worker #1’s chair was the one that made the awful screeching sound.

So, imagine my surprise when I walked into work the other morning, expecting to sit down in my nice, silent, cushioned desk chair, and rather than being met with the sound of…nothing…was met with the same noise I had previously only been subjected to from behind a cubicle wall.

The dialogue was as follows.

Me: Oh weird, my chair is squeaking now.
Co-Worker #1: Hehehe…weird.
Me: It never did this before.
Co-Worker #1: Yeah…weird.
Me: Wait…yours isn’t squeaking, did you swap chairs with me?
Co-Worker #1: What? Haha!
Me: Did you?
Co-Worker #1: Huh? No…
Me: …………

Tally of chair squawks a week ago:
Mine: 0
Co-Worker #1: 8,236,981,082

Tally of chair squawks in the last few days:
Mine: 3,398,209,472
Co-Worker #1: 0

So, either my chair just MAGICALLY STARTED MAKING AWFUL NOISES and her chair MAGICALLY STOPPED…or my sunflower-seed-cracking-Co-worker is full of crap.

The proof is in the squawking, my friends, and her goose is about cooked.

I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I’ve tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You.

I’ve seen just enough of the quick buys, of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, compared to You.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You. So, I surrender all.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You.
Oh, filled with You.
Empty me.

Chris Sligh, “Empty Me”

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted song lyrics…I try not to do it TOO often, but it’s been long enough, and I’m overdue. In any case, this is a song I’ve had on repeat for about…oh, the last week or so. Again, it’s one of those songs where the lyrics just grab you and won’t let go, and you realize that, yet again, God has used some other talented song writer to put into words what you just can’t quite get out of your own heart and onto paper.

I’ve seen just enough of the quick buys, of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.

I have been there. I know what it’s like to be in the “greener pastures” on the other side of the fence, letting yourself be saturated with things that are not of God, things that will not last, things that you can’t take with you into eternity. Most of the time we use the phrase “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” to mean that, no matter which side of the fence we’re on, the other side always looks better. That’s not always the case. When it comes to the “quick buys” and the “best lies”…once you’re in it, at least for a really long time, the other side doesn’t even enter your mind. It’s true that the things of the Earth are appealing. We’re human - we can see, touch, taste, feel the things that are right in front of us. And on top of all that, more often than not, we’re in the minority if we’re NOT interested in an immoral lifestyle. Once you’ve been enticed across the fence into the “greener pastures”, the lies start kicking in full force to the point where you don’t even remember where you came from or why you were there in the first place. But it’s futile. The things of the Earth fade. They wither. They shrivel up, and they die.

 Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with You.

This has been my heart’s cry lately. I know firsthand how superficial the things of the Earth are. I know that in an instant, in the blink of an eye, in a single heartbeat, they can be gone. I want to emptied of selfishness, of anything that I might even consider doing in order to bring fulfillment to my own life, by my own means. God knows me better than anyone, and He knows exactly where I need to go in life, exactly what steps I need to take to get there, and exactly what will bring fulfillment to my life.

What’s 80 years of doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, when I know that there’s an eternity - forever - following that? What’s 80 years of doing what I want to do, when I want to do it, when I know that I am not only affecting my own life and destiny and eternity, but everyone around me as well?

We’ve all heard the term “think outside the box.” Sometimes this phrase can leave a bad taste in my mouth, when it’s tossed around by people who use it as a cliche that basically translates into, “do whatever you want to do and screw everyone else - I’m just ‘thinking outside the box!’” Last time I checked, there were no relative truths in the Bible - only absolutes. Truth is absolute. Either that, or it’s not truth. It’s watered down truths, mixed conveniently in with a few lies to make it look more appealing. These “truths” allow people to get away with doing things, believing things and saying things that, if they truly believed in the Bible, they would not be doing, believing and saying.

 But when it comes to Christianity, and God, and eternity…we have to think outside just ourselves. The selfishness has to be omitted from our lives. I know youth pastors who don’t believe that having a drink every now and then is wrong or “evil”, per se, but they have made a committment to never drink a drop of alcohol, because they don’t want to take the chance that one of the kids in their youth group might see them. They don’t want to be a stumbling block. They’re thinking outside themselves, thinking outside of their own proverbial “box.”

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You, compared to You.

Everything IS a lesser thing, compared to Him. Nothing besides Christ, and doing His will for our lives, will bring satisfaction - nothing. It’s emptiness. It’s a gaping hole in our lives, it’s superficial and worth nothing.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to You. So, I surrender all.

You think I’m kidding. Check it out.

Television

Weekdays
1:00pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
6:00pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
6:30pm: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.

Weekends
Saturday, 8:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Saturday, 11:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 7:00am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 11:30am: Food Network. 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray.
Sunday, 2:00pm: Rachael Ray’s Tasty Travels

Not to mention her oh-so-aptly titled talk show…Rachael Ray.

Magazine Stands

For the sake of keeping this blog PG and under, I won’t go into discussing the photo shoot she did for a certain men’s magazine (no, not Playboy), and I certainly won’t be sharing pictures. Suffice it to say, when I discovered the story/photos online, my hand flew to cover my open mouth. Thankfully, she wasn’t entirely unclothed, or I think I would have gone blind. The things you discover while researching celebrities online…

No, the one I was referring to is her magazine Every Day with Rachael Ray.

That’s just a small sampling…don’t forget Yum-O! The Family Cookbook, Rachael Ray’s Open House Cookbook, Classic 30-Minute Meals, The All-Occasion Cookbook, Rachael Ray’s Express Lane Meals, Rachael Ray 365: No Repeats, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Get-Real Meals, **deep breath** Get Togethers: Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals 2, Cooking ‘Round the Clock, Rachael Ray: Best Eats in Town on $40 a Day, Veggie Meals: Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals, Guy Food: Rachael Ray’s Top 30 Minute Meals, and Cooking Rocks! 30 Minute Meals for Kids.

That’s just too many cookbooks for one person. Especially since half of them have “30 Minute Meals” in the title. Seriously? We get it. Your food takes 30 minutes (except it doesn’t, because you don’t allow for ANY preparation time whatsoever, and assume we all buy things like pre-shredded cheese and pre-chopped arugula).

Product Endorsements

Dunkin Donuts

Nutrish Pet Food (Seriously? Nutrish??)

Nabisco

Cookware

So, there’s all of the above, not to mention the “Rachael Ray-Speak” that has begun to infiltrate kitchens everywhere.

Delish: Delicious (Or, I’m too lazy to say the whole word.)
EVOO: Extra-Virgin Olive Oil (Or, I like to make people who have never seen my show wonder what the heck I’m talking about.)
Yum-O: Yummy (Because I like to talk like a five year old.)
Good to go: It’s ready (I think, but I’m not really sure. See “Your Nose Will Know”.)
Two turns of the pan: About 2 tablespoons of “EVOO”. (But, once again, too lazy to measure!)
GB: Garbage bowl (”Garbage bowl” is just so wordy, y’know?)
Your nose will know: It’s done! (I hope. Otherwise ya’ll are getting E-Coli!)
Eyeball it: One tablespoon is about a palm-full (Or, I’m too lazy to use a measuring spoon/cup)
How good is THAT?: I made it, it must be good. (Heeeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!)

Other things to take note of:

• She has googly eyes. Seriously, watch her sometime. Those eyes could make a grown adult shrink back in fear.
• She laughs after EVERYTHING. “Look, a stem of fresh rosemary!! HEEHEE!!!! It’s FRESH! HEEHEE!!!!!!! How cool is THAT!!!!????? HEEHEEHEEHEEE!”
• She abbreviates EVERYTHING. See the above “Rachael Ray-Speak” for a few examples…but there are others. SO many others…for example. Hot dog = “dog”. Meatball = “ball”. Sandwich = “sammy”

It’s time for a new Food Network-elebrity. PLEASE!

Knock on wood.

Due to problems with the web hosting site that I use (you may have heard, if you’re a SKOS fan), I’ve been down and out for a few days. Hopefully JustFree has fixed the problem, but regardless, I may not be with them much longer. They have just about worn out their welcome, and I am about ready to divorce them.

I will not take the abuse any longer!

…ahem. Anyway, I’m back up. (For now.)

I missed you guys. I even resorted to writing a guest blog! Go check it out and leave me lots of comments - show me you missed me back!!!

Most of you know of the ongoing saga that is Co-Worker #2. Lately, especially at work, my throat has been raw. My nose burns. My lymph nodes in my neck are swollen. My head throbs. My stomach is nauseated. I attribute all of these symptoms to the fact that every Monday and Thursday, from approximately 9:00 a.m. until about 3 p.m., I am subjected to breathing sulfur-ridden oxygen…if you can still call it “oxygen”, considering the constant flame at the other end of the office burns away all of the O2 in the air, including, I’m convinced, all the fresh air in my cubicle. Amidst these physical ailments, however, I have decided that the majority of the complaints/problems I have at work can also be blamed on Miss Matches.

Follow me here.

Earlier today, I was discussing with a friend how I, once again, had writer’s block and needed to update this thing (while most people don’t consider a weekend-length span of time very long at all, I’m the kind of person that would write every day if I could). I made the off-hand comment that my writers block was probably due to the thick sulfur clogging my brain. It then occurred to me - if I could blame my writer’s block on the matches, what else could I blame on them??

If my throat wasn’t so raw from breathing campfire-scented air all day long, I wouldn’t have finished my Coke Zero LONG before lunchtime, and I would have had more to drink the rest of the day.

If I hadn’t finished my soda so soon, I would have been able to stretch out the caffeine fix long enough to ward off most of the headache that results from the sulfur smell.

If I weren’t feeling so crappy from breathing smoke all day, twice a week, I probably wouldn’t be so tired all the time, and I probably wouldn’t have overslept this morning, and I probably wouldn’t have been 15 minutes late to work.

If I wasn’t subjected to breathing non-air all day long today, I wouldn’t feel so sluggish and sick, and I would have hurried a little faster to get out of work at 4:00. I would have beat a little more traffic, and it wouldn’t have taken me quite as long to get home.

If the sulfur-ridden air didn’t make me feel so nauseated all day, I would actually eat a healthy lunch (as opposed to no lunch), and I would probably have the energy to work out. For real.

If I didn’t dread going down to Miss Matches’ end of the office so badly (which happens to be where ALL the filing cabinets I need reside), I wouldn’t dawdle and put off walking down there, and I would get my work done a little faster, in turn being more productive. (Did I mention I literally hold my breath whenever I have to walk down there?? I’m sure I’m killing brain cells, but it’s either that or breathe smoke, which I KNOW kills brain cells!)

You get my point.

On the bright side, if I didn’t have Miss Matches, I wouldn’t have this to blog about. But…I have to say, I would limit my writing to once a week if it meant not having a raging headache and sore throat every day at work. Because let me tell you, that smell LINGERS!

Ironically, when I suggested to my boss that perhaps we buy Miss Matches a nice, vanilla scented candle, or a Glade Wisp, she informed me she “does not want a constant smell around the office all day long.”

I beg your pardon, and correct me if I’m wrong…but doesn’t an aerosol air freshener (sprayed every 4 minutes) or a constant stream of lit matches constitute a constant smell!?

Excuse me, I need to heed the advice given to me and go buy a jumbo bag of marshmallows to set on my desk. Just sayin’.

*coughcoughcough*

The last day or so, I’ve been feeling like I am just on the brink of actually getting sick. I blame it on the matches. In any case, I took cold medicine before bed last night, and went to sleep at 10:30. I still overslept by 45 minutes this morning. As a result, my head is in a total fog. I couldn’t even tell you how I managed to shower and get to work. I think I drove here…

So, because I’m pretty much incapable of putting together one, complete, coherent blog today, you get this instead. Randomness. I apologize in advance.

1. New favorite movie line, from Benny and Joon.

Joon: “[Raisins] used to be fat and juicy and now they’re twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they’re just humiliated grapes.”

(This in no way reflects my feelings toward raisins. My personal favorite uses include oatmeal raisin cookies, Cream of Wheat with brown sugar and raisins, and raisin bread/cinnamon raisin bagels.)

2. I took a six-minute shower today. How I managed to do that, I’ll never know, but I even remembered to shave my armpits.

3. If you’ve never had one of these, you’re seriously missing out. Who needs to pay $15.00 for gourmet chocolate, when you can get one of these ginormous bars for $1.00 at Walmart?

4. Medical billing is really, really boring. I’m glad my bosses liked it enough to start their own business, but I gotta say, it’s not exactly a rewarding profession in my book. Right now I’m working on a 3rd appeal to send to an insurance company to try to convince them to pay this particular claim. *Yawn.*

5. I’m planning a solo, coastal drive tomorrow. LOTS of amazing scenery, lots of pictures, lots of good music (which reminds me, I need to reload my iPod tonight) and perhaps some fresh local fruit along the way. Cherries, anyone!?

6. Recently I’ve been reading political blogs and websites like my life depends on it. The greed, dishonesty, and ignorance of some people amazes me.

7. I decided the other day that I need to just NEVER buy myself trail mix. The only kind of trail mix I like is the kind with peanuts, almonds, raisins, and M&Ms. The problem? I pick out the M&M’s. I could have just saved myself $5.00 and simply bought a bag of M&Ms, but somehow I justify it as being “healthier” when it contains nuts and fruit. Yeah right.

8. I still need to write my blog about the negative side of birth control pills and how it ties in with abortion. Must do that soon…

9. This is awesome. I used to watch Julia Child when I was really, really young (we’re talking elementary school here). She is the reason I became hooked on cooking shows. How excited was I when they dedicated an entire channel to cooking!? But, I digress - I want to be a spy when I grow up!!!

10. Is August SERIOUSLY half over already???!

***EDIT***

11. BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…*ahem* sorry. This made me laugh.

That is all.

This is an analogy I wrote in November of 2003, for a college creative writing class I took (sophomore year - feels like forever ago!). I know the story is somewhat cliche, but it’s something we can always use a reminder of.

I don’t presume to think that my creative writing is quite as good as my technical writing (although I like to think that both have improved since I was 20 years old!). But, I’ve had a few people request to see the more poetic side of me since posting this last spring, and I aim to please. Enjoy.

Love Unfailing

Many times Jesus’ love for His church is compared to the love of a groom for his bride. This love is a love that would sacrifice and endure anything for His beloved.

Think about the atmosphere of a wedding. There the groom stands at the front of the church. In his stance is unsurpassed anticipation. His wedding party stands behind and to the side, supporting him on the most important day of his life.

As he stands steadily, his gaze is fixed on the closed doors at the back of the room, the gateway to the rest of his life. His hands quake in a way that suggests only excitement. He shifts his weight to his other leg, growing impatient. Yet he knows the love of his life stands only inches behind those doors.

Suddenly the throes and strains of the music grow deeper and richer, more vibrant and alive. He stands involuntarily straighter, beginning to smile. As the highs and lows of the music flood his ears, the moment he has been waiting for his entire life arrives.

Dressed in pure white, his beloved appears. She is beautiful - pure and serene. She begins her slow walk down the aisle to her groom, smiling faintly and staring deeply into his eyes, her gaze never faltering.

Tears flood his eyes as he thanks God for this day. He has been patient, enduring years of temptation, trials, and testing for this very moment. At times the impatience was almost too much for him to endure but he knew this moment would be well worth the wait.

As his bride reaches his side, he grasps her hand with the confidence that finally she belongs to him. She is his universe, his adored, the one person he would sacrifice his life for in the blink of an eye.

So is Christ’s love for us. Without a moment’s hesitation or uncertainty He sacrificed His very life for us. His love for us never wanes - it is constant and never ending. It is deeper than the deepest crevice in the endless ocean, wider than the far-reaching prairie in the heart of the vast wilderness.

Just as the groom waits with expectancy for his bride, so Christ waits expectantly for us, His Church, His Love.

Dear Co-Worker #1:

I understand that you have a problem with snacking all day long. I understand that you probably have, more or less, some sort of weird oral fixation. I understand that our job is boring, and mundane, and repetitive, and it is almost necessary to have something to do whilst making phone calls and billing medical charges - personally, I twirl my pen.

But for the love of everything holy, do you HAVE to rely on sunflower seeds to quell your boredom?!

It would be one thing if you could manage to keep your mouth shut whilst cracking the shells open with your teeth - but you don’t. You keep your mouth open - wide open.  All I hear, all day long, is “CRAAAAAAAAAACK…spit. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK…spit.”  Do you have any idea how annoying that is? People chewing with their mouths open is one of my pet peeves, anyway - but this is over the top. I thought people snapping and popping their gum was bad - but your incessant “cracking” and spitting is getting ridiculous.

Do you realize how close I am to tossing my stapler over the cubicle divider? Barring a miracle on your behalf, it will land on your head. And believe me, if I miss, I have about 30 more objects that I can chuck over the wall. I played softball, and trust me, I can toss a pop-up with the best of them.

 It was also suggested to me that I go outside, grab a handful of small, sunflower-seed-colored pebbles, and secretly dump them into your cup of seeds. Do you have any idea how tempting that is?

I already have enough headaches, without needing your cracking and spitting 3 feet from my right ear.

So please…..either keep your mouth shut, or find something softer to eat. Dried fruit or something would be good.

Dear Co-Worker #2:

Let me preface this letter by stating that I do understand that your situation is a delicate one. I do understand that approximately two months ago, you had the sort of surgery that left you in a state of increased involuntary flatulence. I do believe that that has probably got to be one of the most frustrating things in the world.

But two weeks ago, you started spraying an aerosol air freshener in your cubicle approximately every 4.7 minutes - no exaggeration. I timed it one day. Unfortunately for all of us here, your scent of choice was a combination of roses, lilacs, and natural gas (no pun intended).

Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one that was unwillingly subjected to a raging headache by 10am every day, when the smell of your air freshener started permeating the office air in its entirety. Thankfully, my employers took notice and, on a day when you were not here, asked us all for advice regarding how to broach the subject. Thankfully, when they brought up the topic with you, you were congenial and amused and joked around and asked for advice on how else to cover up the problem (although we all think it’s mostly in your head, because never once have we smelled anything offensive - other than your air freshener, that is).

However, the solution you all agreed upon, in my opinion, is no better than the Oust…did you decide upon a nice, french vanilla scented candle? No. Did you agree on a beautiful basket of cinnamon-scented potpourri to set upon your desk? No. Did you run out to the store to purchase a Glade wickless candle, preferrably in a scent other than Fresh Linen (gross)? No.

No, what you-all thought would be the best route has ended up being just as bad, if not worse, than a permanent cloud of aerosol mist.

Me: Uh, does anyone smell that? Did someone set the building on fire?? Ohmygoshholycrap this isn’t a drill, is it!?
Co-Worker #1: No…that’s Co-Worker #2. They decided lighting a match would be the best route toward covering up her imagined smells.
Me: Shoot me. Now.

So, you guessed it…now, it smells like someone has a wood fire burning all. day. long.

Like I said, I understand your situation is delicate, and embarrassing…but seriously…I have had a headache for 5 days now. Can I have one day without some awful smell assaulting my nose!?

I feel better.