Why I Could Never Be Friends With Katy Perry
It seems all the popular kids these days are picking a specific day of the week to write a specific kind of blog. Last week, on Monday, I wrote one titled “Why I Could Never Be Friends With Kristen Bell.” So, in trying to keep up with the trends, I figure that each week, on Monday, I’ll write about a different popular celebrity that I could never be friends with. This Monday, I give you: Why I Could Never Be Friends With Katy Perry.
Without further ado…
1. Four Words: “I Kissed A Girl”.
Excuse moi?? I’m sorry, maybe I’m considered old-fashioned these days, but it seems to me that a song explicitly about a girl kissing another girl and “liking it” and “hoping her boyfriend don’t mind it” should be banned from the airwaves. Is this really the kind of garbage that has become so common place that nobody seems to mind the fact that it’s even played over grocery store speakers!? I’ll give her the fact that the beat of the song paired with the music is catchy - unfortunately, the lyrics disgust me. The first time I heard the song played over the radio, my jaw was literally hanging open by the time she got to the chorus. Don’t even get me started on her song “UR So Gay.” And this girl’s parents are pastors, and she grew up in church and a Christian school, and actually has a Christian CD floating out there somewhere, under the name “Katy Hudson”.
2. Her biggest musical influence was Queen.
I cannot stand Queen. I don’t know why, I’ve just never, ever cared for their music. Freddie Mercury’s voice grates on my nerves. “Bohemian Rhapsody” is the only song of theirs that I find tolerable, and that’s just because the song’s lyrics can be equated to something akin to a train wreck. Does anybody know what “scaramouche” means??
3. Her song lyrics are inspired by her “day-to-day life“.
I couldn’t be friends with her. I’d be worried she’d try to kiss me. And then write songs about it.
4. If she could be any musician other than herself, she would be Madonna.
Like Queen, I can’t stand Madonna. There’s something just wrong about being 50 years old and still doing provocative music videos with Justin Timberlake. Seriously, JT, that’s like doing an inappropriate video with your mother. Gross.
5. She has a strange penchant for bright red lipstick.
It’s not that wearing bright red lipstick is bad. Personally, I hate wearing lipstick, but it’s just a preference thing. However, in the case of bright red lipstick…when you’re talking to someone, and their lips look like a fire engine, where are your eyes going to naturally be drawn?…Exactly. So, in talking to Ms. Perry, I know my eyes would be drawn to her mouth. And she would probably think I was fascinated by them. And she would probably try to kiss me, because, per her own lyrical confession, she likes kissing girls. Ew.
6. Her favorite Alanis Morissette song is “Ironic”.
Ok, seriously?? The only thing that’s ironic about the song “Ironic” is that there ARE no true examples of irony IN the whole thing. A “black fly in your chardonnay??” “Rain on your wedding day??” Methinks a certain Miss Alanis needs to go back to her English classes. (As a sidenote, this is one of the best blogs I’ve ever read about the irony - or lack thereof - in her song.)
So, there you go. Sorry, Katy.
13 People have left comments on this post
1. She has a Christian CD from when she was younger? Now *THAT* is a piece of pop culture trivia I did NOT know!
2. I have mixed feelings on Queen. Do I like them? No. But they have several songs that are just too catchy. If they come on the radio, I have to listen to them. “Under Pressure” with David Bowie? Great song. “We are the Champions” and “We Will Rock You” are staples at sporting events. And their song “Fat Bottomed Girls” is simultaneously poppy and disturbing at the same time.
3. Her day-to-day life frightens me.
4. Madonna is still alive and making music?
5. You could wear sunglasses whenever you were around her. Then she wouldn’t be able to tell you were staring at her lips and — hopefully — she’d resist the urge to kiss you.
6. Wait, you mean 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife isn’t ironic??? There goes my doctoral thesis…
1. I would never have guessed she had a Christian CD out. Fascinating–and great research!
2. I like lots of songs by Queen. Sorry, can’t help it. “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy” and “Killer Queen” are my favorites but I like more than a handful. But, but! I don’t want to kiss girls so I guess that’s something.
3. Interesting how plagiarism seems to be her day-to-day life. What did she say on that website? She uses snippets from other peoples’ conversations “or even headlines” but “brings it all back to her life”? Yeah, by writing songs and making money without crediting anybody. Okay, okay, that’s how everybody is inspired and now I’m just being snotty but…I’m just sayin’.
4. She chose Madonna for her answer that question? *yawns* That’s cliche.
5. You might be okay on this one–unless you wear cherry chapstick because that seems to be her favorite thing.
6. Once again, yawn. I don’t think she knows any other Alanis Morissette song because choosing that one sounds like some person saying the Mona Lisa is their favorite painting, just because they’ve heard of it and know what it looks like.
Kev:: 1. Yes, yes she does. Sad, isn’t it?
2. I agree, “We are the Champions” and “We Will Rock You” are sporting event staples. But I wouldn’t exactlyburn a CD of those songs and listen to them in my car! Is Fat Bottomed Girls anything like what Sir Mix A Lot would sing??
3. ME TOO. I am glad I am not her mother.
4. Apparently. I held back from posting a link to a photo of her doing that video with JT…it’s disturbing!
5. Oooooh good point!!!
6. No, it’s not ironic. It’s just bad luck. Basically, that whole song is about bad luck…and how she thinks it’s ironic.
Erin :: 1. Thanks! I wonder if she puts as much enthusiasm into that CD as she did into her “One of the Boys” CD…….
2. You are allowed to like Queen, it’s okay. As long as you don’t want to kiss girls, like you said!
3. I could bring EVERYTHING I hear or read back to my personal life…but it wouldn’t exactly wax original!
4. Yes. Yes it is. Very cliche.
5. Hmmm true….my normal chapstick of choice is Carmex or Burt’s Bees, or something minty…good thing she didn’t sing about minty chapstick.
6. Hahahahaha…….good point!!
1. Never heard that song. Wouldn’t know it if I did. I ignore all music in public. I really don’t hear it at all.
2. Do not be bashing Queen, now. Queen is one of the best examples (um, okay, “best” is oxymoronic here) of glam rock. But they were terrific musicians. I like “Radio Ga Ga” myself. Scaramouche = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scaramuccia - a clownish, boastful buffoon character in Italian farce theatre.
3. Such people have no lives. I’m not convinced they exist. I think they are just electronic pixels on the TV screen.
4. Madonna is not a musician.
5. I’m color-blind, so her choice of lipstick is lost on me.
6. “Ironic” is way lame. Most of Alanis’ music is lame. I had the chance to see Alanis play at a bar in Denver in 1996 for $5. I skipped it.
Marvin:: 1. Trust me. You’re not missing anything!
Just kidding. They’re just not really my taste. But thanks for the definition of “scaramouche!” Now I can die happy, NOT wondering what on earth that means!
2. I’m sure Queen is a wonderful, wonderful band……………..except not.
3. I agree.
4. Again, I agree!
5. Haha…wellllllll take my word for it, it looks like a fire engine.
6. They should have paid YOU to attend…
I have never heard of Katy Perry before tonight. I’m guessing that makes me very lucky. Yuk.
Madonna is just plain gross. An exhibitionist and a total heathen.
The only Queen song I know goes like “oooooooo you make me live, now honey …” Lame, in my humble opinion.
I wouldn’t know Alanis Morrisette if she walked in the door and asked me to dance. I have heard the name though. Isn’t she from Canada?
Jenny :: Yes, you are definitely not missing out on a THING by not having heard of Katy Perry. Not a thing…
I agree. Madonna’s going to have some answers to give someday…
Hahah…in MY humble opinion, you’re not missing out on Queen, either.
And yes. Alanis Morissette is from Canada. She only really had two super popular songs that used to be played, “You Oughta Know” and “Ironic” (at least those are the only two I can remember). Again…you’re not missing anything!!
HAHA! I love it!! Never heard of the woman, but it’s funny anyway!
Scaramouche is a comic buffoon or clown character - I think it comes from Italian pantomime or something. There’s also a book and a movie. Maybe Queen were referencing one of those? Still, let’s face it, even if you work out what Scaramouche means, you’ve still got a lot of work to do analysing the rest of Bohemian Rhapsody, haven’t you?
I love Queen. But I don’t want to kiss girls, either.
Jay :: So….then…according to that Queen song….scaramouches (scaramouchi? scaramouchae??) like to do the Fandango. Interesting. I would like to catch one of them in the act someday. I bet photos of that could bring in a lot of dough.
That “I Kissed a Girl” song grates on my last nerve. Some of my co-workers like to walk around singing it like it’s their new anthem. I’m happy that she is doin’ it her way but spare me the stupid song about it. I hate that song, I hate that song, I hate that song.
I feel better now. lol
Corrina :: I couldn’t agree with you more. Here, I’ll add one for you - I hate that song!!
I believe I also read that she wishes to kiss Miley Cyrus as Madonna kissed Britney Spears.
Lydia :: Yes!!! I heard that!! SOOOO creepy.